Time & Time Again...

It’s been a while since I wrote to you, and that has not been intentional. I have tried so many times, but each time, I failed in my attempt to be concise and articulate. But beyond the struggles with clarity, I have been helplessly stuck with a scant mind. I struggled to come up with ideas. I also lacked the vigor needed to forge together disparate thoughts and ideas floating through my mind. But while I remained in this inertia, I knew I had no choice but to do something—whatever it was. I needed to write, for the sake of my sanity.

Despite this litany of excuses, the last three months have not been uneventful. I spent them with family after almost 18 months of not seeing them. Every moment was filled with meaning, pulsating with the warmth of kinship, joy, and nostalgia. I was inebriated with a certain excitement—being around younger cousins, sharing stories, playing games, and laughing out loud.

The days I spent with my parents in Enugu will remain perennially in my mind. Seeing how much of me is from my mother and how much of my father I carry still fascinates me. How easily I now accommodate some of their behaviors. How a part of me has expanded to understand them better; how easily I get amused by their random worries; how I keep trying to trap each moment in an image, to store memories in pixels—because I know how easily I can forget the shape of their smiles or become distracted by the sound of their laughter. With each passing day, I was deliberate in my attempt to live every moment fully with them.

Apart from my time with family, I visited Jos and spent a full day with my friends, whose faces litter the fading memories of my childhood. We played video games and exchanged recollections of the past—episodes of juvenile excesses, ridiculous missions, and childish escapades. No one spoke about the future. No one spoke about their current struggles. We all drowned in the simplicity of childhood and allowed the wave of nostalgia to wash off the filth of adulthood. I lost all my games, but I won the hearts of my pals with my delicious and carefully prepared spaghetti.

In the last two months, I traveled from PH to Enugu, back to PH, then to Abuja, then to Jos, and back to Abuja. While there was a lot of movement, the past months made me aware of a simple privilege: the grace and good fortune of family and friends with whom I share a deep connection. I dwelled a lot on the ephemerality of time. Of shared laughter. I learned the cartography of a face holding back a smile. I allowed the warmth of a loving hug to linger. I witnessed the intimacy of brotherly handshakes. I carried conversations with a mouth full of wine and shared meals with friends. I held onto the sound of familiar voices and memorized the pitch of different familiar laughter.

It was an exhilarating experience—living under the weight of this kind of joy. To bear witness to this communion of saints. Of family and friends. To be alive. To experience living. To realize that life and its moments are precious because of their brevity.

And I have decided to spend my time pondering this brevity. To cherish moments because of the miracle of their passing. To hold on to as many moments as I can, watching them slip like desert sands through my fingers. To be enamored by this existence and all its trifling troubles. To observe these troubles like a third person. To look back at the trails left by these errant worries. To dwell in humor. To battle with self. To accept self. To conquer self. To experience new levels of selfhood. To carry multiple selves. To deny false selves. To embrace better selves.

I am committed to living as authentically as possible and watching life unfold and manifest in its fullness. To be inebriated by joy and watch the cracks struck by disappointments and strife fill with happiness and gratitude.

In all of this, I missed writing to you. I hope you have been well. I am particularly excited about this year and all the promises it holds. I promise to write as often as I can and as clearly as I can attempt to be. I hope you will read and share.

Happy New Year!